American Society for the Protection of Serial Killers Annual Fundraising Letter

December 26, 2019

Dear friend,

For the first time in five decades, our organization has posted financial losses entering the last quarter. This comes at a time when our services are more needed than ever. As the heady days of the 1970s grow fainter and fainter in the rear view mirror, it becomes more and more crucial to provide quality services to serial killers. If we do not support this important work, serial killing risks becoming a lost art. Because of this need, we have partnered with Leco Plastics, the largest producer of zip ties in the US: for every dollar you donate during this holiday season, Leco Plastics will match that amount up to a total individual contribution of $150,000.

Please do not let uncertainty in the economy dissuade you from donating. The American Society for the Protection of Serial Killers has a CharityNavigator rating of A+ and is committed to sending your money directly to serial killers in need without unnecessary corporate bloat. As our tax filings consistently demonstrate, we have reduced administrative expenses year over year to support our mission (usually by hiring blondes who rarely remain employed long). You believe in our mission! We know you do – especially given the popularity on Netflix of literally anything featuring a serial killer. But without you, we can’t turn Netflix n’ Chill into Netflix n’ Kill. For less than the cost of a fancy latte at Starbucks, you can ensure that seasoned and aspirational serial killers alike have the time they need to sharpen their knives, stalk their prey, and disappear into the night.

There is an increasingly serious dimension to our budgetary shortfalls: several of our members have been forced to commercialize. Though the private industry solution is an elegant and efficient one, assassination for hire lacks all the art and spirit of true serial killing. Additionally, the largest employer in this sector remains the government, which consistently imposes regulatory burdens on its killers that stifle creativity and produce inferior results. Take, for example, the case of Dr. Alexander Mishkin and Anatoliy Chepig, whose blundering work poisoning Sergei and Yulia Skripal in the UK in 2018 not only demonstrated why government bureaucratic answers to this are insufficient (the only two deaths were innocent bystanders) but also raised the specter of a renewed Cold War between the former Soviet Union and the west while completely and tragically downplaying the horrors of the human psyche.

Yet others have turned to spree killing, choosing expediency over investment in their craft. But when a serial killer abandons his true calling, society suffers. There is no secondary market to spree killing, no cozy mystery series featuring an alcoholic-but-lovable Detective Inspector, no Halloween merchandising opportunity, no anthology series produced by Ryan Murphy. There is only momentary horror, an anemic call for gun control, and then a swift return to collective amnesia. Our partners at the NRA are working tirelessly to ensure that this remains a viable second option for determined killers, but this cannot be our primary modus operandi moving forward. Though the public does not acknowledge it, serial killers provide a vital service to society, not by ridding it of coeds or sex workers but by helping to pin the generic malaise of society on faceless evil or psychological brokenness – rather than its real origins in capitalism, racism, sexism, homophobia, the expansionary policies of Putin’s Russia, xenophobia, disrespect for the environment, greed and religion. Serial killing is comforting precisely because it originates in the twisted subconscious of one person rather than the collective ignorance of society. Is it not better to fear that you or a loved one will be randomly plucked off the street, held in an underground bunker, tortured, killed, eventually dismembered and hidden in rain barrels under a nearby construction site, rather than to fear nuclear annihilation at the very small hands of clearly delusional despots? I hope your answer is a resounding yes.

You know what they say: Summer of Sam body counts begin in the Winter. We need your help today at the close of the year. Will you help bring society back to the brink of a nervous breakdown? Can we count on you for a donation of $100, $200 or $500 today? Remember, each contribution made before January 1, 2020 is being matched by Leco Plastics. As an added bonus, the first 250 donors will receive a white, windowless van lapel pin so that they can publicly show their support for our cause.

☈✖️⛝☉☩⛯▪️〰️☌,

Ted Cruz (Zodiac)
Executive Director
American Society for the Protection of Serial Killers

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