Doris Lane Foster’s Thanksgiving Dinner, as Reviewed by Her Family

4.5/5 – Jake Foster, 49

I’ve been coming to your Thanksgiving table for years, since before we were married. And with the exception of that one year when you forgot to turn the oven on and the turkey stayed frozen and the rest of us ended up eating stuffing and cranberry sauce trying to convince you to stop crying and come out of the garage, I’ve never had a bad meal here. What happened to the pies, hon? Had to dock you a half star for that.

1/5 – Cecilia Foster, 17

Mom, I can’t, in good conscience, give you more than one star. And the one star is only because I love you. But literally there were no vegan options on the table. Even the Brussels sprouts had butter on them. I’ve been vegan now for, what, like two months? How hard is it to remember that? I know I’m off at school so you don’t have to cook for me anymore, but, really, even the cafeteria serves tempeh.

4/5 – Sam Peters, 46

I was recently invited by Peter Foster to join the Foster family for their annual Thanksgiving day repast. Having never experienced the fares of this particular American family, but being intimately familiar with the traditional cuisine of the holiday, I was excited to give it a try. If I may be permitted to use a slang phrase in common parlance, “It was rad.” Doris Foster (née Lane) put forth a feast that could, in another world, merit Michelin recognition. If there could be said to be one flaw in her design, it would be the surprising lack of pies for dessert. In their place, we were treated to a lavender crème brûlée which, while lovely, would have been more appropriate on another holiday.

0/5 – Peter Foster, 41

LOCAVORES BEWARE! THIS WAS A DISASTER! THE TURKEY WAS FROM COSTCO, SO PROBABLY RAISED ON A FARM SOMEWHERE IN FLYOVER COUNTRY AND SHIPPED ON A SMELLY DIESEL TRUCK. ALSO THE CHEF ADMITTED SHE HASN’T EVEN EVER BEEN TO THE EASTSIDE FARMER’S MARKET! SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS THERE! SO YOU KNOW THOSE SWEET POTATOES WEREN’T LOCAL. FAIL. WON’T EVER COME BACK.

2.5/5 – Jean Hilbert Foster, 68

I told Jake I could arrive from Chicago earlier in the week to do all the cooking for you, but he insisted that you’d finally figured out how to work the oven. You wouldn’t know by the way my son seems to be getting thinner and thinner as the years go by. I guess I should have trusted my instinct and just done it all myself. I already Amazon Primed you a couple cookbooks while I was picking at my dry turkey and flavorless stuffing. Also, I hate lavender.

4/5 – Robin Foster, 22

I thought that Thanksgiving was going to be super-awkward because it is the first time that I’ve had to see grandma since I came out, but she was so busy criticizing mom’s cooking that she barely even noticed my eyebrow piercing. Super job mom. But I can’t help but think that the lavender crème brûlée was trying a little too hard. This is Thanksgiving, not a fucking PFLAG meeting.

1.5/5 – Darlene Lane, 45

What terrible service! I had to keep pouring my own wine, and then they kept moving the bottle to new locations (as if that would fool me) and then after all that, telling me that I couldn’t drive home because they know drunk when they see drunk and I wasn’t drunk at all just feeling fine like a fine wine. Fine. Fine is a funny word. Fine fine fine. Fine fine fine fine fine.

5/5 – Phil Foster, 71

Great work Doris! Best meal I’ve had in a damn long time, but of course that’s what you get when you have a red-blooded American running the kitchen instead of all those folks from god knows where in the restaurant industry. Just good old fashioned meat and potatoes! None of that nonsense oriental fusion whatnot! The pilgrims woulda been proud. God bless America! I was ready to dock you a couple points for that purple French thing you put in front of me at the end of the meal, but it was actually pretty good.

5/5 – Scoots Foster, 2

Arf arf. Wag. Slurp.

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