1 stick of butter, lightly salted
one loaf of whole grain bread
salt and pepper to taste
1. Preheat oven either to 400 degrees Fahrenheit, or to the approximate
temperature you predict the flames of hell will be when you finally find yourself there, whichever is hotter.
2. Hollow out the turkey. This is a metaphor for the emptiness in your life.
3. Cut the loaf of bread into cubes. Cut your finger in the process, just to feel alive, even for a moment.
4. Stare into the void.
5. Fill the turkey with meaningless trifles (mirepoix, loaf of bread, bouquet garni).
6. Smear the butter over the carcass.
7. Leave the turkey in the oven for long enough, but not so long that you go mad.
8. When the turkey has reached 175 degrees Fahrenheit, at the thickest part of its thigh, then you will understand.
9. Do not remove the turkey from the oven but allow it to fall to ash as the dinner guests await its arrival.
10. Serve the plate of ashes to your loved ones as a reminder of what will soon befall them.